Maybe I Won't Look Back
by gracentenigma
Summary: When everything you knew is different, is moving on possible? Sydney’s thoughts after “The Telling” ep2x22 . One parter.


**Summary:** Is moving on possible? Sydney's thoughts post "The Telling"  
**Spoilers:** Takes place months after The Telling, but nothing that's happened on the show in S3 has happened.  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Alias, nor, unfortunately, any of the characters. I just have to be content with my scribbling while I happily eat my brownies.  
**A/N:** This is just a short one parter from Sydney's POV that I wrote at school today. Nothing much. I came up with the title from a Stacie Orrico song [titled, of course, "_Maybe I Won't Look Back_"]. The words in italics are the letter.

**~*~*~**

Everything had been perfect, but that was all gone now. Perhaps, as everything is changing, it will all return to being as perfect. It will be a perfect of a different sort, but nothing could be exactly as it was, nor would I want it to be.

It has all changed.

I've changed.

The past cannot be relived, the bad erased. But a new future looms in front of me, and I don't want to kill it as the simple perfection--that lasted just a few short months--was destroyed. The months following them had been their inverse, dismal and without hope.

Two years were gone, passed by without a single known input from me. Calling them "missing years" makes it seem so simplistic, as if they were a sock that was lost, or a set of keys that had been misplaced. Even so, that's what those years are. They exist, but I do not know what I had done with them. Maybe someday I'll find the solution to this extravagant problem that someone has created for me. But not knowing it will not cause me to fail in life.

One thing has been on my mind since I left. These thoughts are the reason I am not in bed at this awful hour. Any normal person would not be sitting at the desk in their study at 3 AM; but then again, I always knew I was not normal. Overcome by my plague, I picked up a pen and began to write a letter that I was finally capable of writing.

_Sometimes things don't happen the way we would like, do they? I know you've had longer to move on, and I'm happy you don't regret that. You --above anyone else-- deserve to be happy. I always did believe you deserved more than me. But even so, sometimes I find myself dreaming of what could have been. Things that I'm certain_ would _have been. Us celebrating our first Christmas together, our first anniversary (and our 50th), and your birthday. I had it all planned. I knew what gifts I was going to give you, our kids were already named- Gabrielle Brianna and Lucas Jordan. I was looking forward to all that, looking forward to sharing it all with you._

There are some things that I can't see without thinking of you. Words that when I hear make your name come to mind. All these cause momentary ache, a small tug at something I thought no longer existed.

And it shouldn't.

But sometimes it all comes rushing back. Pictures that are so vividly clear burst into my mind. Emotions that were hid for so long try to push themselves back to where they always believed they belonged. Did you realize that we never spoke the words, "I love you", out loud? Yet in every action, every connection between our eyes, I could see it. I could feel it with every heartbeat. It sounds so clichéd. But then again, love is clichéd.

Even though we had all those things, it's all over now. All put in the past, and I'm letting go, making the step that should have been made months ago.

I'd been so focused on the letter I was composing, so involved in my thoughts, that I hadn't noticed that I wasn't alone in the room. Only as arms wrapped around my shoulders did I realize that he was with me. I sat up, and leaned back into him.

"Is everything alright?" he questioned. "I woke up and you were gone."

I looked up beyond my shoulder to see his tousled blonde hair. "I'm fine now." He smiled down at me, and I couldn't help but smile back. "I'm sorry if I worried you at all. I just had to think some things through."

He kneeled down beside me, placed his hand over mine, and looked straight into my eyes. "As long as you're okay," his accented words calmed me, "I have no need to ever worry." He stood back up after gently kissing my forehead. "Come back to bed."

"I'll be right there. Thank you for coming to check on me, Julian."

He walked to the door, then paused, glancing back as if there was something more to be said. But he simply smiled and continued down the hallway. I glance down at my unfinished note, and as I picked the pen up to complete my thoughts, the light hit the new ring that was on my left hand, causing it to sparkle.

_I'll always remember what we had, but there's no point for me to dwell on it. The past is finished. If I let it consume me, it will destroy me, and I have things to live for, goals to accomplish. Vaughn, I did love you, even if I never said it, and I hope you're happy. I know the chance of us even seeing each other again is unlikely, and I'm fine with that. The future that I have ahead of me is bright, and I can't wait to unlock its plans._

Take care of yourself, and Lauren. She deserves all the blessings she has, as do you.

Love,  
Sydney

I stood, repositioned the chair in its place, and picked up the letter. After reading it over, I crumpled it into a ball and threw it into the fireplace, as if by burning it, my words would travel through the air and reach their recipient. I had meant every single one of them.

By letting it all go I created room for something more. For a new beginning. One that I want. All the decisions I've made in the past are done now. They can't be changed, but I can decide how they will affect how I live the rest of my life.

And maybe I won't look back.

_fin._


End file.
